Here Ye! Here Ye!

NOTICE:
To all the cats of this house; This is 'That Woman' making a proclamation that will be posted on all the closed doors of the neighboring territories in this Country that is Our Home.

Let it be known throughout all the lands of this domain where all of my dearest felines reside; Pay HEED, HEARKEN TO ME be Forewarned!

If you even so much as think of getting out the territory you have the privilege of occupying and try invading anothers territory thereby causing the inhabitants of that country to go to war with each other; you will be immediately apprehended and thrust into solitary confinement without remorse (or even so much as a tinkle ball!) Furthermore, depending on the heinousness of crimes of war YOU CAUSE you will be made to endure the punishment below. In addition; PHOTOS of you in this punishment will be posted on this blog so that ALL KITTEHS will bear witness to your punishment and subsequent humiliation. I've ordered it from Amazon today. That is all.




Any resemblance to Sir Lawrence here is clearly unintended but oddly appropriate!

Hell Week

(all photos are giant if you care to click and see my glorious self in lifesize)

Speaking of Hell... This last week here in Orange CA. we had temps that reached 110. Was I bothered? Can you tell? Here I am in the cool grass, upside down (my favorite position) flat out. Sun baking my belleh. I am perfectly aware of That Woman calling me (in vain) and trying to tempt me to come inside to the air conditioned house. You can tell my eye is open. But to no avail.


I am too busy sniffing the grassmail and smelling the lovely barbecue smells wafting in the oppressive heat
.
The reason I'm not goin' in has really little to do with the cooler air in there. It has little to do with the yowling mancat locked up in MY other half of the house. It even has less to do with having to 'share' the cool tile entryway with the pied.

Let me tell you a little story kitties of why I'm not goin in there right now...



On Torbie Tuesday I think it was, it was a suppperrr hot day. That was the 110 that I told you about earlier. That Woman felt after returning home & seeing her wilted flowers; that she'd better give them a good deep watering. The planter is ground level right outside the girls room. So she set her timer, went in to watch some dumb moving pictures on the long black box. It had little tiny people called 'hobbits' or something. A lot of hullabaloo over some shiny ring thing... anyway...

The timer went ding (I could even hear it outside where I was!) but she was at a 'good part' of the movie so she ignored it. Later she went to turn the water off. She had to wade through the little low spot (that is another of my favorite sleeping areas) to get to the hose.

The next morning, she woke The Gurl for school and while in her room she checked her email on The Gurl's computer. **She can't use hers since it got a virus and doesn't work anymore ~That's why she's not been giving you updates so I apologize for this long one. THE broken computer at least is NOT my fault! Even I don't understand the thrill of ruining someones life anonymously... I mean, the whole point it is to make sure THEY KNOW IT'S ME!**

So while she was sitting at the computer in her bare feet on the carpet, she said she thought the carpet felt a little too cool. Upon further inspection the entire area in front of The Gurl's window about one long cat length into the room and at least 8 cat lengths long (unless you are that ridiculously loooooong mancat then it would about 6) is soaking wet carpet. And to further the mess, it had previously been covertly used as someones emergency litter area when The Gurl didn't get up in time to let her out!

So kittehs... You can imagine the stench. And our noses are quite adept at smelling and 'reading' the peemail. So now it's like YELLING to us kittehs. That poor mancat has been moved (mercifully) to the sewing room and The Gurl has been spending her sleeping time on the couch. Right now there is a giant fan pointing at the wet area. (as of this date 4 days later it's more dry and barely tolerable) The heavy velvet curtain was soaked halfway up, the mancat's bed & blanket are in the garage awaiting the laundry since they were both sopping wet. There's all this white stuff That Woman dumped on the carpet to calm the smell (and she's all ready had to order the Anti Icky Pooh from Amazon for permanent odor control) She says if you have cats or dogs even & have been unable to get rid of the smells THAT is the only thing that really, truly does work. And believe me, she has tried them ALL!

So, now you know why I'M not goin in there. Better to be out here where the grass is cool; the lizards are friendly and if I lay belleh up long enough the shade of the tree will find me.

Freeeeeduuuuumm!

So there I was kitties... Alone, ALL ALONE in that room. It was so dark (even with the night light on) and COLD (even with my fleece blanket and towel, and rug and cushie bed). I was deprived of all susten....sisten....food (except for those kibbles and some water) There was nothing to do in there but plot my revenge. My brain was spinning... I had nothing to keep my mind off what tortures my captors had planned for me (except my favorite mousie toy, my new plague rat with nip in it, my ping pong ball *that goes really good in the bathtub* and my litter box) BUT OTHER THAN THOSE eensie weensie trifles, it was HELL I TELL U!

I can't tell you all the bad things in case there's babie kitteh's reading... Even when one of my jailers would come in and try to pla...plaka....make me feel better; I would have none of it! I was brave, strong, and as mancatly as I could be. (and not one bit sorry for whatever lies the Demon Queen and her Spawn are claiming that I did!)

In the nightime; they tried playing the good cat/bad cat game on me. The Demon Queen came in and took all the toilet paper so I couldn't sneak anymore notes out! Then... The Spawn came in with all babie talk and kibble in some attempt to try and make me talk! AS IF!

So the night wore on into the hours of the morning and then; when I had entered a trancelike zen state from the hunger, the door opened a crack and more kibble was shoved through the door. I didn't even get up! I was so weak by then (it had been at least seventybillion hours since I had eated last) I could only stare ling..lonn...a long time at the food as I lacked even the strength to stand. *sigh*

The Spawn was home all day (I heard the Demon Queen say she was sick but I'm SURE she was home to make sure I couldn't keep yelling for the cops!) She was under strict orders from the Demon Queen I was NOT to be let out. So I waited...

And the seconds turned into minutes and then the minutes stretched into a half an hour and I lang....lien...I got sleepy. (I had to take long naps to keep up what little strength I had left)

Just when I was resting in the arms of the great Sphynx herself; I was rudely waked up by the door opening and my poor brain and stomach that was yelling and confusing me.

OH NOES! Not the Stinky Food! Oh what horrid females you people are! Have you no shame? How could you do this to such a lovely, sweet mancat like myself? Nooooooooooo! And to top off my humiliation? They filmed it! *see below since blogger took three days to upload the vid and THEN wouldn't let me move it into the correct position* pphghfrjrthghtht!!!!

As you can plainly hear, I told those Ebil females OFF! But let's face it kitties, a night in the klink to 'Think About What You Did!" would make anyone a bit peaky.

Oh, iz soorry... wmwphmwat was aww saiing?

oouummmmpphh oohhhh dis good nooommmmssmmpphhh.....

My Ebil plan of revenge will comm...cimen....start later.

This Just In...

click to embiggen

Wordless Wednesday

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to our Dear Mr. Pierro!

Furdresser's Apron

If you'd like to see the finished apron go here.

Friendship

Miss Jack and Miss Ellie BFF

Nothing better!

Because it was Sunday,
Because we were in the sun
and because her fur is as soft as flour

I can't keep my lips off her!

I'm too Sexie for my...

Weeell, Heeelloooooo all you sexie kitties~ See me here giving my 'ultra sexie come hither mancat squint'?. I'm helping my 'Mistress' (snicker) work on this new apron for her furdresser. It's some kind of special stuff called PVC. It's all black & shiny like plastic. They both like it because the way it 'lays on the body' makes all their curves look even sexier. Humans... Go figure. Give me a Ginger girlcat with green eyes any day!

Anyway, this stuff gives my Mistress fits because according to her you can't pin it as it will leave holes so she uses this blue sticky tape that I find truly facinating; especially when it's rolled in balls and shot across the floor! Once it got stuck on my paw & I'm not sayin I was askeerdy cat of it but she laughed so hard when I was trying to get it unstuck. I was waving my paw like crazy and it finally flew off really far and of course, I immedately forgot my apprehension and ran after again!

This apron will have hand pleated bubblegum pink organdy ribbon across the bottom and pink silk chemise pockets with black PVC trim. The neck wrap & ties will be pink satin ribbon. It has to be ready by Fuurriday so I'd better get off it now so she can get to work. I was a very good mancat and didn't use my recently manicured claws at all.

I did however, roll all over it so much that she gave me my own piece for myself. I can't wait to put it in my TeePee bed; all I would need is to get the disco ball out of the closet & THEN my Kittens, it's ON! Party at Larrys! I'll keep ya posted.

Easy like Sunday Morning...

Good morning kitkats! Jengs here with a quick ppuurrrrrrroooowww for Sunday. As you can see I'm on my favorite quilt, it's sunny and I'm happy cos She doesn't have to rush off to her 'office'.

Hope you are all having a lovely leisurely Sunday morning too.

Aaaahhhhhhh

Happy Caturday kitties!
Wake me when Monday comes I have the house to myself again!

Excuse Me?!!

YES! You see the above photo? That's RIGHT, it's ME on MY Pedestal!



The other felines in this house have been presuming to take over MY blog (the unmitigated nerve!) I have also continually been slighted in the treats category as well as having to endure alien smells and fur remnants on My woobie. Well, I've had just about as much as anycat can take.



I saw where That Woman had the bloody cheek to complain that I was 'widdling in the hallway' . How often do I need to remind Her that I don't speak Hooman? HEELLoooOOO??? I see no reason why I should cease my protests until my just demands are met and I am provided with wet cat food on a continuing basis anytime I ask for it!



I'd also like to make a correction to a prior post by 'Larry'. That male cat sure has some ego. I'm here to tell you he does NOT in fact, weigh only 5 lbs.; I saw the copy of the VET bill and it was clearly written on there that he weighs 8 pounds! (And here I thought only Gurlie Cats lied about their weight~sheesh!) Furthermore, if he thinks he is the 'king of frootbats' he's got another thing coming! My given name is Stellaluna. I was given that name by the Gurl when she and I were both very small. She named me after a character in one of her books. It's the story of a giant Fruit Bat! She and That Woman love Janell Cannon's books so much they still have the collection. So THERE Mr. Wannabe Mancat!



While we are on the subject of weight, those two cats that post from yesterday for Wordless Wednesday? Well let me tell you something (In all sympathy with Mr. NoFurNo-my heart throb) That striped one weighs nearly 15 lbs now! And the Pied? Well, That Woman insists that she's just 'short' but that cat could give Laughing Budda door-stop statues a run for their money. (In fact, I'm sure I've heard That Woman refer to her as a door-stop) And unlike my heart throb, they don't have medical conditions! I'm certain the title was 'Wordless Wednesday' was because those two had probably eaten all the captions! (you know, like fortune cookies MOL!)



Then we have the issue of the other Queen in the house. Yes, you read that right... the Other Queen is who That Woman calls 'Jenga'. She came here 13 new moons ago... SHE gets to live in That Womans' room! SHE gets to have That Woman (and the bed) all night to herself! SHE even gets the new cat tree that was MINE because as That Woman tried feebly to explain: "Now Stel, Miss Jenga requires more vertical real estate than you do and since you weren't using it just deal with it!" To which I replied *HHhhiiiiiiissssss* and backed it up with 1'The Claw!" That taught her a lesson! The nerve of her speaking to my like that. Appalling! Just because One chooses not to use their own property, it's still THEIRS! *sigh*

You can all clearly see now how I have been made to suffer and am well within my rights to wage wars of protest.



I should have the cat tree. I should get the hooman bed to sleep in at night (with the hooman in it for warmth) AND my woobie should be unsoiled of silly boycat smells or other catfurs on it! Wet cat food is my right~not a privilege! Cat treats should be given anytime I ask, not just when I come in from the patio when she has the nerve to think she has summoned me. I know all my cat blogosphere friends out there will back me up on this.



So to all the cats within the realm of my communications I'm Mad as Hell, and I'm NOT going to take it anymore. Do you hear that sound?



Ya, that's the sound of of a different can opener... and it's openin a can of 'WhuupCat' so be forewarned, be smart and stay the heck off my woobie if you know what's good for ya! I'm watchin you!



Ms. Stella(luna) O'Houligan


1 I don't use 'The Bitey' ever on my humans, My claws are much more sharp & and do considerably more damage than ANY bite I could inflict... Besides, it takes WEEKS to get that hooman taste outta yer mouth!"

Wordless Wednesday

Helping, hiding and Jenga has the last meow!

So there I was, feeling better & helping That Woman with her ironing. (don't ask me; she puts this hissy thing on the flat part up there & rubs it all around then moves FUN part down here and starts over again~my job is to make sure the part she finished is all flat...humans are so weird! Don't know why she just doesn't lick it flat!)



Anyways, after I was done helping, I went exploring with my lazers on and LOOKIE what I FINDED! I was all snuggled in until That Jenga said "Hey Scoobie Doofus! You'd better watch your tail coz that thing belongs to Ms. Stella & she won't like it if you're in it! The last cat who tried that got all their furs melted right off when she looked at them with her GINORMOUS eyeballs and FIRE shot out of them and the next thing you know That Woman had to get the giant sucky thing to clean up the mess!

WHAT??!!

Giant Fireballs! Big Sucky Thing?! Jenga, I think yer pullin' my paw! I mean like, dude I've only ever seen anything like that in a comic book!

Ms. Jenga just smiled and said: "Suit yourself string bean! Hey? Can I have your old curliebed after yer gone?"

That's SO not even funny! I think she's just trying to scare the beejeebies outta me!

~moment~

Well maybe, um.. I mean, I'd um... rather be over here anyways... YAaah.. Cos um... I'm not askeerd of her! Some girlie cat! HaHA... wull. and plus I haven't seen her all day.

I think I'll hide out in "The Great Wrinkle of Doom!" There's like, NO WAY she'd ever find me in here!

MeowOutLoud!...Silly Boy! All these girlie cats and he's the only boy...and he's such a baby!.. I should prolly tell him the truth...

but *yawn* it's my naptime now and I need my beautysleeps...

Face Time

From: Mr. Lawrence (Larry)

As anycat can see; I'm in the ARMS of THAT WOMAN being HELD!! How did this truly appalling thing happen you ask *shudder* ? Well let me tell you.

As you know, I was staying in The Gurl's room but since I was being a good mancat, I was also given one third of the house to myself. That includes (but is not limited to) The Gurl's room; Her litterbox room; and That Woman's sewing room .

The sewing room is quite grand I assure you, everycat should have one! There is a huge window looking out at the backyard and there's a bird feeder there that gets all kinds of action daily! There are tons of way up high places to perch and soft blanketie places to lie down and cupboards to open (and lie in) with all manner of things to sniff and shred with my lovely claws.

She had some stuffed tiny bird shaped things she made 'by hand' but I showed her exactly what they were really made for even without nip in 'em! Now of course, they are completely mine (well duh!?) as she 'can't use them for anything now.' The ONLY drawback was That Woman put all and every kind of really fun things to play with AWAY!! I can't tell you how hissed off this makes me! I mean Seriously! There used to be this really cool yellow plastic handled thing with a super sharp shiny silver wheelie on it; it was so shiny I could see my regal face in it (to make sure not a whisker was out of place) and SHE had the nerve to put it AWAY! Some lame excuse that I could 'cut myself to ribbons on the blade' . She went through the room and I heard her reading her checklist of things to hide... (scissors, check! pins, check! thread, check! mixed media ephemera, check!) Now, all those things that filled me with curiosity are in a drawers that even SHE has trouble pulling out. What's a mancat to do? So, I make sure all flat surfaces, softie fabric things, and chairs have my lovely silver furs all over them. That'll fix Her! Plus, I can leap down on her head anytime I feel like it!

*sigh* but I digress. So anyway, one of the blanket things was all black, it was my favorite thing to lay on. One day when She came in to get something she looked very carefully at it. "Oh Dear" she mumbled. Next I heard her talking on the tiny jingle box she carries around.

..."yes, he needs a visit

...he has tapeworms...(NO idea what she meant by this, she wouldn't even let me play with her Tape Measure thing)...

....yes I'm sure. I know what they look like; 3pm today? Great, see you then...click."

Well I can tell you kitties, the way She looked at me then sent shivers of ice down my spine! I had no idea what she had said to the box but iI wasn't about to wait around to find out. I ran for my rug and became my persona : "El Purrito". I was safe there until The Gurl lured me out with my favorite toy! I must work on steeling myself in the future.

The Woman told The Gurl to put treats into my TeePee bed and naturally I went in after them! (NO, I'm NOT a treat whore! I'm starving All The Time!) so there I was, enjoying my treats when all the sudden! ZZZZIIIIIIIIPPPP! What The PAW was that??? OH NO, now I'm trapped! (I secretly was askeerd I was being sent back to the other house where I lived (only they kept me in a pen in the garage)!

And from there the day just went downhill. I found myself in my TeePee on The Gurl's lap IN THE CAR! You know what THAT means kitties??? Oh Ya you DO! Next thing I knew, I was in some room where there were too many smells to count, my heart was beating like mad, my furs were falling out en masse! I was so askeerd that I sough refuge in Her arms, you can't see my lips moving praying to Bast that 'I will never go outside the box again..' and I 'promise to let them pet me' and 'I promise not to bold out the door anytime it's opened and to only play with toys I'm supposed to' and...well, you get the picture. And through all of my prayers I could hear That Woman and The Gurl talking as if nothing in the world was wrong!!!

Then... The door creaked open and even though my eyes were shut tight I could hear a Man's voice and heard the door creak closed and then all of them were talking and then I could feel the cold steele table on my delicate feets, it was friggin COLD! I kept my eyes shut, I was shuddering more than a loose screen on a windy day and then the Man said; " He's a beautiful cat!" Ok, vanity be damned, I simply had to look to see what an obviously well bred human and super intelligent person this was! I let him weigh me (I only weigh 5 lbs.) He was so nice I wanted to tell him I hadn't been feeling well for along time but he was so smart he all ready knew that! He said it was a good thing That Woman was paying attention as "Cat's are such good maskers of illness." They are pretty sure I've had the tapeworms for a while since I have been eating like mad since I came to stay and am still so underweight. Just when I thought this man could read my mind and I was quite ready to go with him where ever he wanted he left! Then some other Boy came in with some other Gurl and THEN do you know what happened??? WELL! The Boy put the 'momcat grab' on the scruff of my neck and the Gurl stuck me! To my mancatly credit, I did not yowl or hiss or bite anyone. Though I did give a few mock charges at them from my TeePee after they put me back! YA! I showed THEM who was boss!

I had been perfectly quiet in the car and a good mancat to My Ladies but as soon as I could smell the garage opening, I was yowling like mad to get out! The Gurl carried me to my side of the house where it was blissfully cool and I was given plenty of treats and TWO new clean litter boxes! So to that I say:

Here's lookin' at you kid!

addendum from That Woman:

Mr. Larry was having improper elimination habits as well which did prompt me to watch him more closely. He had been urinating on Ellen's bed of all things: specifically on one blanket in particular even after it had been washed mulitple times. So, I called Marilyn over at Bengal Rescue and she gave me some tips to try. Most important was to get his current litterbox (that had a cover) out of El's closet, take the lid off and place it out in the open. She said cats want to be able to see all around them when they do their business for safety. That is why he was using El's bed; he could have a clear view of the entire room from there. Also; we were to get him this type of box. It's a sterilite container sans the lid. She indicated to put one cup of old litter in it on top of at least three inches of new litter. Place both boxes in plain view in the room. I asked if I should cut space in the side for easier access but she assured me it was only 12" high & he should jump right in but he'll still be able to see out. It took him all of an hour to figure out he could use that box & now almost uses it exclusively.

I did get one more & put it out in the entryway where my own cats seem to have developed a flair for widdling there in the night. It's been a week and though Ms. Stella jumped in it once and walked around inside, not one of them has used it. That'll be my next problem to solve. But for now, Mr. Larry is doing much better, seems happier and though he still won't let us voluntarily hold him, (and you can bet I soaked up that vet visit holding for all it was worth!) he seems to understand we aren't going anywhere & we do love him and want to care for him until he finds his new furrever home.

Thanks for reading!